Give me Tokyo Talk or give me death!
Warning: You are about to exceed your recommended daily allowance of Tokyo Talk. Proceed with caution. And enthusiastic sardonicism. And haughty vocabulary.
Buenos Nachos! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Tokyo Talk! I know it’s been a while, but absence makes the
fart heart grow fonder.
It’s been a bit of a struggle to keep up with regular posting, but in honor of the one year anniversary of The Tokyo Think Tank’s founding, i present to you a full-course offering of Tokyo Talk. BON APPETIT!
When you're sweaty, you're ready
Let’s talk about sweat, baby
As the summer begins to wind down, i feel it’s a good time to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart: Perspiration. As i like to say: Some people sweat bullets. I sweat buckets. I kinda consider myself the Stephen Hawking of sweating. In light of that consideration, let me share with you some of my sweat prevention techniques!
- The hair dryer - ever been to a pregame or party stuffed with people you hate who take all of the oxygen and air conditioning that you clearly deserve? Have you proceeded to produce massive sweat stains on your nice button-down as a result? Well, let me share a little remedy with you: duck into the bathroom, plug in a hair dryer, and work that mofo full blast on aforementioned stains. They’ll be gone in minutes. Beware: this technique is a double-edged sword. While clearing up the stains, it does pump up the core temperature of your pits, which could lead to exponentially worse sweating. This technique is best used right before you’re about to leave.
- Powder - a fine preventive/remedial technique for the causal sweater, powdering your “saturated areas” is a good way to keep dry and smooth while hopefully stymying future sweat attacks. Warning: Do not attempt this technique if you are an advanced sweater who is already in the process of heavy perspiration. For example, if you already have swamp ass, don’t apply powder to the area. You’ll just wind up walking around with a batch of waffle batter in your pants.
- Dream Scenario - It is my hope to one day obtain a gigantic spool of UnderArmour material and a sexy seamstress to attach patches of UnderArmour to the armpits of all my shirts. I think that not only would it keep me dry, it would also make me more aerodynamic when i fight.
Mango-Pineapple is the new Hey-Ho
You’ve probably all seen this commercial by now:
I mean, i like smoothies as much as the next guy, but since when did any musician think it a good idea to initiate a call-and-response about artificial flavoring? I’m a particular fan of the girl dressed in yellow (edit: everyone is dressed in yellow) whom the camera focuses on as she excitedly responds, “PINEAPPLE!” Do you think that chick will one day build a successful acting career and attribute it to the huge resume boost of starring as “Pineapple girl” in a McDonald’s commercial? Shame on you, Ronald (That beat is still hot, though).
SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!
Which is a worse place to hear the song “Shots” by LMFAO: An alcoholics anonymous meeting, or a pediatrician’s office?
Speaking of LMFAO…
People want to party with these guys?
Does anyone remember that stretch during the summer when SportsCenter was using “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO as the background track for highlight compilations? I’m sorry, but when i think sports i dont really think of the two dorks pictured above. I remain unconvinced that these guys actually know how to party and that people with the slightest bit of respect for themselves would actually want to party with these dweebs. LMFAO only serves to promote the popularity of this next topic…
“Clowning” or as some call it, “Dressing and acting like a fucking idiot”
Are you a unique person who wants to express your individuality? Well stop right there, because this trend is not for you! You’ve all certainly seen it. Douchebags dressed in bright colors and feathered hats. Girls wearing lampshades and glasses without lenses, saying, “Live your life be free.” *barf* If this whole trend is supposed to be about expressing yourself and your creativity, then why is it that everyone dresses and acts the same? If i may borrow from South Park: Stan asks the goths how he can join their group, to which one goth replies, “If you want to be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.” Thank you, South Park. I could not have articulated it better.
(Another great excerpt from that episode of South Park)
- Goth (to kyle): You just dont know what real pain is
- Kyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Why don’t you go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!
- Goth: I’m not gonna live in a third-world country with all the conformists.
Do you remember this song?
Of course you do! But i bet you probably couldnt name the artist. Take a closer look. Ce Ce Peniston.. PenisTon. Penis Ton. How great is that?! (LOLLZZZZ)
And now for the traditional lookalike of the whenever
Jorge Posada of the NY Yankees looks like The Jesus himself – John Turturro.
That’s all for now. Ponder in peace my friends.