typical law school professor

Hello, world! I know it’s been a while for my tens of fans, so let me catch you up a bit.

After graduating college, I decided to go to law school. Two months in, i dropped out. When people ask why, i always say something like, “it wasn’t for me.” (which is just a friendly way of saying that it SUCKED ASS) I’m now holding down a big-boy job, and after a busy first month, i finally have some time to get the Think Tank back up and running.

For my triumphant return, i present to you the one productive thing inspired by my short pursuit of a legal career — a song parody.

Here is “Professoro” to the tune of “Alejandro” by Lady GaGa (watch vid below if you need to get reacquainted with the tune)

“Professoro” by G-Man

Intro

I know that we are young,
And i know that you may quiz me,
But i just can’t answer this question right now,
Professoro.

Verse

She’s got both hands,
On her keyboard.
And she won’t look at you, won’t look at you.
She hides facebook,
On her laptop.
She’s got e-mail in a-nother window too

Pre-chorus

You know that i love statutes,
And briefing cases to boot.
But if it is me you must choose,
There’s-nothing-i-can-do.

Chorus

Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, professoro.
I didn’t read, I’m unprepared, ¡Lo siento!
Don’t wanna miss, don’t wanna blush,
Just click that powerpoint and hush!
Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, professoro.

Fin

Cheers,

G-man

Give me Tokyo Talk or give me death!

Warning: You are about to exceed your recommended daily allowance of Tokyo Talk. Proceed with caution. And enthusiastic sardonicism. And haughty vocabulary.

Buenos Nachos! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Tokyo Talk! I know it’s been a while, but absence makes the fart heart grow fonder.

It’s been a bit of a struggle to keep up with regular posting, but in honor of the one year anniversary of The Tokyo Think Tank’s founding, i present to you a full-course offering of Tokyo Talk. BON APPETIT!

When you're sweaty, you're ready

Let’s talk about sweat, baby

As the summer begins to wind down, i feel it’s a good time to talk about a subject near and dear to my heart: Perspiration. As i like to say: Some people sweat bullets. I sweat buckets. I kinda consider myself the Stephen Hawking of sweating. In light of that consideration, let me share with you some of my sweat prevention techniques!

• The hair dryer - ever been to a pregame or party stuffed with people you hate who take all of the oxygen and air conditioning that you clearly deserve? Have you proceeded to produce massive sweat stains on your nice button-down as a result? Well, let me share a little remedy with you: duck into the bathroom, plug in a hair dryer, and work that mofo full blast on aforementioned stains. They’ll be gone in minutes. Beware: this technique is a double-edged sword. While clearing up the stains, it does pump up the core temperature of your pits, which could lead to exponentially worse sweating. This technique is best used right before you’re about to leave.
• Powder - a fine preventive/remedial technique for the causal sweater, powdering your “saturated areas” is a good way to keep dry and smooth while hopefully stymying future sweat attacks. Warning: Do not attempt this technique if you are an advanced sweater who is already in the process of heavy perspiration. For example, if you already have swamp ass, don’t apply powder to the area. You’ll just wind up walking around with a batch of waffle batter in your pants.
• Dream Scenario - It is my hope to one day obtain a gigantic spool of UnderArmour material and a sexy seamstress to attach patches of UnderArmour to the armpits of all my shirts. I think that not only would it keep me dry, it would also make me more aerodynamic when i fight.

SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

Which is a worse place to hear the song “Shots” by LMFAO: An alcoholics anonymous meeting, or a pediatrician’s office?

Speaking of LMFAO…

People want to party with these guys?

Does anyone remember that stretch during the summer when SportsCenter was using “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO as the background track for highlight compilations? I’m sorry, but when i think sports i dont really think of the two dorks pictured above. I remain unconvinced that these guys actually know how to party and that people with the slightest bit of respect for themselves would actually want to party with these dweebs. LMFAO only serves to promote the popularity of this next topic…

“Clowning” or as some call it, “Dressing and acting like a fucking idiot”

Yeah...

Are you a unique person who wants to express your individuality? Well stop right there, because this trend is not for you! You’ve all certainly seen it. Douchebags dressed in bright colors and feathered hats. Girls wearing lampshades and glasses without lenses, saying, “Live your life be free.” *barf* If this whole trend is supposed to be about expressing yourself and your creativity, then why is it that everyone dresses and acts the same? If i may borrow from South Park: Stan asks the goths how he can join their group, to which one goth replies, “If you want to be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.” Thank you, South Park. I could not have articulated it better.

(Another great excerpt from that episode of South Park)

• Goth (to kyle): You just dont know what real pain is
• Kyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Why don’t you go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!
• Goth: I’m not gonna live in a third-world country with all the conformists.

Turturro

If invention is born from necessity, parody must be the bastard child of immaturity.

Making popular song parodies has been a hobby of mine for a while now. It started with inserting a subtle “poop” or “choad” in for common pop. song words like “love” or “face”. Practice makes perfect; the following song parodies make no sense. Enjoy!

“Billie Jean” – Michael Jackson

Chorus: “Billie Jean is not my Grandma.

She’s just a girl who thinks she’s my grand-mo-ther.

But you are weird please-go-away.”

“Last Resort” AKA “Last Pop Tart” – Papa Roach

First verse: “Cut my life into Reese’s.

This is my last Pop Tart.

Liposuction.

No eating.

Dont give a fuck, no more trick-or-treating.”

(THIS IS MY LAST POP TART!)

“S&M” AKA “M&M’s” – Rihanna

Chorus: ”I may be fat, but I’m perfectly good at it.

Put down that éclair, i don’t care i love the smell of it.

Vege-ta-bles might help my bones,

But chips and dip excite meeeee.” (NOM-NOM-NOM COME ON!)

And now, the pièce de résistance…

“Fly” AKA “Pie” – Sugar Ray

First Verse: “All around the world, apple crumble for me.

You knowww i love peach cobbler.

Every pie i know goes well with ice cream

Whether hot or cold, a good pie warms my soul.”

Chorus: Iiiii just want some pie.

Offer cake and i’ll say maybe,

But i’d prefer some good pie baby.

Iiiii just want some pie.

Put that raccoon away baby,

I want pie; I dont want rabies.

Iiiiiiiiii just wantttt some pie.”

Well, i’ve about busted my creative load. If you think you got some good parodies, leave a comment or tweet  at me.

Cheers,

G-man

Bonjour. Ciao. Hola. Howdy do, mothafucka. Yes, I know, I’ve been gone for a minute. Now I’m back with the jumpoff! All Lil Kim lyrics aside, i present to you the platinum edition of Tokyo Talk. If you’re new to the program, click here. Alright now, FULL STEAM AHEAD!

Child, please!

Obeservation: If you saw a 5-year-old boy, you would call him a little boy or little kid. If you saw a 5-year-old girl, you would only call her a little girl and not a little kid. So, girls aren’t kids? Think about it. You know you do it. If it’s bugging you, just use my solution and call them all little shits.

Opinion: I’ve never been a huge fan of potato chips. I like corn chips, tortilla chips, etc., but something about potato chips turns me off. Probably because i used to hang out with this nerdy kid whose house smelled like stale potato chip farts. Whatever. I’ll let you eat your potato chips in peace. But i DO take exception to these abominations:

If crab were spelled "frab" and then reversed, it would spell "barf." Interesting.

Crab chips. What would possess anyone to buy these? Travel south of the mason-dixon line and people fiend for them like crackheads for a fix. It’s gotta be the Old Bay seasoning, or as i like to call it, “Hillbilly Pixie Dust.” The only reason i wold ever buy these is to repel people of decency and good taste. “Get back, esteemed gentleman, or face my crabby breath and spoiled pride!”

Mmmm, meat.

Discussion: If you were a 25-year-old virgin who has also been a vegetarian your whole life, which would better: the first time having sex or the first time eating a well-marbled, juicy, succulent, bone-in Rib-eye steak? Im going with the steak. People might think older virgins are weird, but to quote the great Hank Hill, “Vegetarians can’t be trusted.”

COMPLIMENTARY INTERMISSION JAM

That's some good NaCl, baby.

Here’s a dank idea: Instead of using plain old salt for tequila shots or margaritas, bars should collect and use the flavor-infused salt that gathers at the bottom of pretzel bags (the only salt officially endorsed by The Tokyo Think Tank). It would be like eating your pretzel and drinking it too!

"Free sandwich? How can this be bad?"

If i were in a band, we would call ourselves “Free Sandwich.” We might suck. We might not even play music. But people would definitely show up if they saw “Free Sandwich tonight” written on a billboard. You’ve seen Free Hat, haven’t you?

And now for the traditional hypothesized lovechild: In the spirit of the NBA playoffs, i propose to you that if Breckin Meyer (Road Trip, Franklin & Bash) and Liam Neeson (Taken, general badass) had a baby, it would look like Oklahoma City Thunder head coach Scott Brooks.

Breckin Meyer (ya, ^^ that dude)

Bad motha', Liam Neeson

Scott Brooks

Ponder in peace my friends, always.

Cheers,

G-man (@G_for_free)

Washington Capitals’ head coach Bruce Boudreau is a future Don Rickles

Mike Jones be lookin like Donatello

HIT THE JUMP FOR MORE LOOKALIKE ACTION!!

Pau Gasol bears a striking resemblance to the Struthio Camelus, better known as the ostrich.

Ronny Turiaf looks like a bearded, homeless predator

And finally…

Cowboys WR (and douchebag) Miles Austin and Facebook Fiend Marquise Grublife!

Thats all for now, folks. Updates coming soon!

Cheers,

G-man

This computer is pretty freakin’ sweet. These are the only laptops integrated with Beats Audio technology by Dr. Dre. If you’re unfamiliar with Beats, think about the pre-game warmup of the last sporting event you watched. You undoubtedly saw a few athletes rocking the Beats headphones.

The audio quality of this laptop alone is enough to convert anyone to a HP user. I know you might be thinking that there can’t be that much of a difference in the audio specs between laptops, but believe me, the envy 14 displays marked supremacy with its aural awesomeness. On top of that, this laptop offers fast, efficient performance by using some of the most advanced Intel technology and hardware, all at about half the price of similar competitors.

Hit the jump to continue reading!

The Tokyo Cultural Center has long used HP products. Reliable and affordable, we often purchase our HP goodies here, the HP student academy web site. It offers students at UMD great discounts on HP products.

With graduation coming up and law school next year, it’s high time i start looking into a new computer. Perhaps its time to rock phat beats with the HP envy 14? Perhaps, perhaps.

Cheers,

G-man

BONUS

Here are some recent jams we’ve been spinning at the Tokyo Cultural Center. They sound good now, but imagine how great they would sound if played using some BEATS audio technology. Enjoy!

Paint Skillz...

Bonjour! Welcome to the sixth edition of Tokyo Talk, you’re favorite place for articulate observations, curious hypotheses and bizarre social commentary! If you’re unfamiliar, check out past editions. Let’s get to it!!!

Crackstick

Interesting Fact: They say crack is the most addictive drug. You know what the second most addictive is? Original Chapstick. True statement.

This guy probably stunk pretty hard

Did you know that you don’t really need laundry detergent to make your clothes smell fresh? It’s actually the abrasion from the washing process that lifts odors from your threads. It’s true. So, the next time you’re around some smelly hippie, kick his ass a little bit. He’ll probably freshen right up and thank you kindly!

MORE TOKYO TALK AFTER THE JUMP!!!

DURRRRRR

What the hell is up with this “wearing glasses without lenses” trend? Are you kidding me? I always thought good eyesight was a favorable characteristic. You’re not hip. You look like a retard. STOP IT.

Pointin' at you!

Here’s something fun: The next time you’re in a conversation and searching for a word or trying to recall something and have the opportunity to use the phrase, “I can’t quite put my finger on it,” instead say, “I can’t quite put my finger in it.” It’s very entertaining.

And finally…

Who do you think would win in a fight if they fought in charcter: Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal? This is how i break it down: In every movie, Seagal is beating the crap out of international terrorists plotting to destroy some serious shit. Chuck Norris just deals with wild hillbillies in Texas who abduct their nephews. Edge: Seagal

What do you think? Leave us a comment or e-mail us at TheTokyoThinkTank@gmail.com. Follow us on twitter (@Tokyo_ThinkTank). Ponder in Peace, my friends. Always.

Cheers,

G-man

The Tokyo Think Tank is now operating as an arm of a greater body, The Tokyo Cultural Center. Specifically, The Tokyo Think Tank is the head of the knowledge department at the Tokyo Cultural Center.

What exactly is The Tokyo Cultural Center? It’s a place. It’s an idea. It’s a state of mind. We are not defined. Because we can’t be. We’re anything and everything you want, conveniently located at the corner of College and Rhode Island.

Do you ever feel like you have time to waste? Come waste it at The Tokyo Cultural Center! We’ll keep you company, teach you how to stunt, and bake cookies with you. You can learn to play the keyboard or just use our restrooms!

This guy's got the gold membership...

Take this cat above for example. We don’t know this guy. He came to our tailgate and needed a dirty couch to pass out on. He got what he needed, at The Tokyo Cultural Center

In summation, visit The Tokyo Cultural Center. Membership is free. You will not be disappointed.

Cheers,

G-man

Tokyo Tweet Tank

Hello world! The thinkers of the tank apologize for not putting out new posts recently. We’ve been focused on expanding our reach and wanted to inform you that we’re now on Twitter! Support the Tokyo Cultural Center and follow us here (@Tokyo_ThinkTank). You can tweet us interesting facts, stories and questions. We promise to tweet you back!

Cheers,

G-man

I plead the fif volume of Tokyo Talk!

Just cuz this is the fifth volume of tokyo talk don’t mean it’s gonna be a nickel bag! We got a fat sack of highly opinionated opinions, musings, rants and even some of our own daNk ideas. Lets get to it!

Classy and understated. Keith Hernandez: an exemplar of fine facial hair

Fact: There is no greater compliment one man can pay another than, “Sir, that is a fine mustache you’ve got there.”

A cUlinary bUtthole

Hey Andrew Zimmern: Stop pronouncing the “cu” in culinary as “q” or “cue.” People watch your show to see you eat weird shit, not listen to your unfoundedly pompous babble. Shut up.

MORE TOKYO TALK AFTER THE JUMP!

Slightly more tolerable with the mustache

The interviews that Alex Trebek conducts with contestants right after the first commercial break on jeopardy are probably the worst 2-3 minutes on television. The person in last place always feels awkward, Trebek poses some strange questions and no one ever has anything interesting to say. I know it’s all part of Trebek’s secret scheme to stall for time so they cant get through all the questions. What a snake.

Not a shining example

If you are serving me a salad, please make sure that all the ingredients are sized appropriately. They should be bite sized and not have to be cut. I dont want a fucking head of broccoli in my salad. There is a reason they invented the salad fork and not the salad knife.

The golden rule of ketchup: temperature, temperature, temperature

What’s up with people who like their ketchup refrigerated? Gross. There is no literature on the label that says refrigerate after opening. You think it tastes better? Oh, you fancy, huh? When you go to a restaurant, do you request a tour of the ketchup cellar? “I’ll have the heinz. ’57 was a good year.” (bonus tip: if you’re struggling to get ketchup out of the bottle, rap the etched “57″ on the neck of the bottle with the base of your palm. works every time)

And Finally…

Why dont mini-fridges ever have light bulbs? I think they should have light bulbs more than regular fridges. Think about it: If it’s 3 a.m. and you stumble into the kitchen, at least the regular fridge is somewhat eye level and you can make out what lies inside. Going to the mini-fridge is an entire production. You gotta turn the lights on in the room, you have to bend down (sucks) and sometimes you have to get in army crawl position just to reach that beer on the shelf in the back. Can i get a mini-light bulb for my mini-fridge? Please?

Ponder in peace, my friends.

Cheers,

G-man